As many of you know, Mama passed away on June 1st. We didn’t say a lot about it on social media
because as a family, we had no reason to attract attention for a situation that
was already emotionally difficult. It actually happened so quick that we barely
had time to react. I took some time to think about what and how I wanted to
give everyone an account of what really happened. Even people that knew her very well were
shocked to find out she had passed away.
I hope this gives many of you some clarity and possible closure if you
feel like you need it.
Mama was only in her mid 40’s when Deddy passed away. Deddy had told Travis and me that if she found
someone who was worthy and treated her with respect and kindness, he would
rather her be with a good person than live her life alone. He made the case that she had three
grandparents to live into their 80’s and Deddy thought living 40 years alone
would probably not be good for Mama.
About five years after Deddy passed away, Mama married Carl
Temple. Travis and I felt like Carl truly cared about her, was kind to her and
we got along with him just fine. If you know me, you are aware that I don’t
simply like everybody. I don’t even try to pretend to. However, I liked Carl and they were together
for about 20 years. But on November 30th
of last year, Carl had a massive heart attack and passed away. It was devastating to Mama. She said that she never imagined outliving
Deddy, but she never even considered outliving two husbands.
Mama was overcome with grief and depression. Carl had a lot of health problems himself the
last several years but he gave Mama a purpose.
After he passed, it was almost as if she thought she no longer had any
purpose at all. Although that was
certainly not true, it was hard to convince her to look forward in a positive
way. She muddled through Christmas last year but really did not enjoy
herself. She stayed with her sister
Libby for an extended period of time so she wouldn’t be by herself. She had no interest in staying with Travis or
I because: 1. We could see what she was up to on a daily basis and she did not
like that because there were days when she would stay in her recliner for 23
hours out of a day and 2. She would have felt uncomfortable vaping in one of
our houses. She ended up going to the
hospital a few months after Carl had passed away. They found 2 bleeding ulcers in her throat. She was there about a week. Before she left she, the doctor stressed the importance of Mama quitting the use of a vape pen. But she could tell that Mama really didn't want to hear it. So, the doctor asked Mama…. ”Ms. Brafford, you
don’t intend to start vaping when you get home do you? Those ulcers may never heal if you do.” Mama sat there for about 5 seconds,
irritated, and she responded very simply….
“Yes, yes I do.” When the doctor left
the room I told Mama that I was not even going to try to get her to stop
because I didn’t want her to dread me talking to her or coming to visit. We had decided, as a family, to not give her
a hard time about a habit that she was incapable of stopping. After we left the
hospital and had driven about 3 miles down the road, she cracked my window and
started vaping.
She wanted to stay at home no matter what. The problem was that she would sit so much
throughout the day and not get up and move around, that she continued to get weaker
and weaker. There were many days that
she could not walk on her own strength without assistance. Carl had a nephew, Matt, that had graduated
from college and was deciding what his next move was going to be. In the meantime, we hired him to stay with
Mama most of the time. Matt is a kind
hearted soul and he was truly a blessing to us during that time. Carl’s family
was a significant help for Mama during that time; Nina, Jeremy, Donald, Fran,
Brenda and Walt checked in on Mama with visits and phone calls, constantly. As much as we wanted Mama to gain back some
fight, to work on getting stronger, she was just not going to do it. We all tried desperately to win back the
person with a larger than life personality and get her out of this overwhelming
depression. We visited daily, called her constantly, took her food, tried to
get her out of the house, organized and administered her medicines twice per
day, and talked to her doctors frequently.
We even had cameras in her home that we could log on and check on her to
make sure she was ok. Travis had his
kids talk to her over an iPad sometimes just to lift her spirits. But no matter what we did, we just could not
gain back her love for life. The idea of
Mama going to a rehab facility was always on our minds. But she wasn’t having it. No chance. Without
me mentioning it, she told me one day that I could not MAKE her go to a rehab
facility. I told her that it didn’t
matter because I wasn’t going to MAKE her do anything. But a part of me still
holds some guilt that maybe I should have.
Maybe I should have made her go as a last resort. We discussed it as a
family several times, but we just did not believe that it would help her to improve,
and it would have probably made the situation worse. Deddy fought to the bitter end of his life
but Mama had decided her time had come and she was just waiting for the Lord to
call her home.
The last time that I took her to her regular doctor, she
realized just how weak Mama had gotten.
It was to a point that we had to push her around in a wheelchair. I talked to her in private and she suggested
going through Hospice for palliative care.
The hope with palliative care is that the person can get better and no
longer need any kind of health assistance.
About a week after that happened, they put her on oxygen. But her breathing was already getting a lot
worse. So, on May the 9th, we
took her to UNC-Holly Springs. She was
really weak that evening and did not even argue with us. Our hope all along was to see her turn it
around and start to improve. It was a
hard situation to watch someone just give up.
By Monday of the next week, she had basically stopped eating. We tried to get her to eat, we ordered what
she told us to and even brought her food from outside. But nothing really sparked her appetite. On Wednesday I told Travis we were getting
ready to have a hard conversation with Mama.
And it was very simple: “Mama,
what do you want to happen and what do you truly want us to do?” I knew it would be hard, but we had to
know. After we had that conversation we
walked back into her room and she was asleep.
When she woke up, I was sitting
in the room where she could not see me.
She said, “Travis….. I want you boys to expedite this process.” I immediately got up and walked to the front
of the bed. We looked at each other a
little perplexed and Travis said, “Well Mama, what do you mean by
‘expedite?” She looked at me and said,
“Well, I want you to bring a gun up here tomorrow and shoot me.” I know, I know….. that sounds terrible. But guess what, she started laughing and so
did we. Mama had a dark but funny sense
of humor and even during that difficult time, she made light of the situation. I responded, “Well Mama, although I have
wanted to shoot you many times during the last 20 years, I will go to
jail. So, can you give us a plan B?” And again, all three of us laughed. There are three things that Mama said during
those weeks that will be burned into my memory forever. This was the first. She said, “I want you to keep me comfortable,
keep me out of pain and you boys let me ride this out. I’ve had enough.” And that was that. As much as it crushed both of our souls,
Travis and I knew we were at the end of the line.
Mama continued to decline over the next week. However, since she was still taking medicine
by mouth and did not have a certain life ending disease like cancer, the
hospital wanted her to go somewhere else, such as a rehab facility or rest
home. We were in talks with Hospice but
she had not declined enough when we initially talked. On the last day when we had to make an
ultimate decision, we talked to her doctor and discussed her situation. Since she could barely swallow at that point,
had barely eaten anything in 2 weeks and could not walk, she FINALLY qualified
for a Hospice House. I’ve lived through
Deddy dying. I lived through 2008 when I
was actively building houses and the market crashed. But those 2 or 3 days of
stress were honestly as bad as any stress I have ever had in my life. I tell you what I realized about myself
during this time. I REALLY, REALLY don’t
like people trying to give me advice if they can’t offer a solution or know how
to find one. I want to give credit to
Lori McPherson right here and now. She
works at Moore Regional Hospital and she was giving me advice, calling every avenue
of help she could think of and checking with me constantly for updates. She knew the process and her guidance helped us
so much. She was calling anybody she could think of that might be able to help
us. I will be grateful to her for the rest of my life. So I am announcing today that I’m giving Lori
a FREE ass kicking that she can use for her husband, Lee, at any time. If he does something she doesn’t like, I will
kick his ass, no questions asked.
On May the 23rd, Mama was approved for The
Hospice House in Pittsboro. It was truly
a blessing. They let me and Travis know
right away that she would be kept comfortable and they would give her as much
peace and quiet as she wanted. I went in
to tell Mama what was about to happen. I
didn’t tell her it was a Hospice. I told
her that she was going to a hospital where she could rest, they would keep her
comfortable and completely out of pain.
She said, “Ok”. I told her that I
was going to be there when she got there and she was fine with that. When I got back to the Hospice House, they
had rolled her into her room already and she was wide awake. I asked her how the ride was and she said, “It
was fine, they were very nice.” Then she
said the second thing to me that I will always remember. I said, “Mama, are you ok?” She said, “Yes. Are you going to be ok?” I answered “Yes.” She said, “Is Travis going to be ok?” and again I answered “Yes.” She nodded and we both knew what we were
talking about without saying it. That
night, I stayed awake most of the night.
Not because there was a problem, but I just couldn’t sleep. However, Mama slept like a ROCK! It was the best I had seen her sleep since
she first went into the hospital. And
she slept all night. It was good to see
her get a peaceful night of rest. The
next few days were filled with visits from family, life stories and some time
to reflect on her life. But just like
that, she went to sleep on May 26th and that was it. She didn’t wake up again.
The doctor would come in every day and evaluate her. By Wednesday, he quit predicting that it
could be “any hour now” because he just didn’t know. He kept thinking she was near the end and she
just kept hanging in there. There was a
nurse there on the weekends named Robert.
I was grateful to everyone at Hospice for their kindness and warm
professionalism. But Robert took it to another level. He told me and Travis on Sunday that it was
nice meeting us and wished us the best through this process. We shook his hand and he left. Robert did not think he would see us the next
weekend. Guess what? Robert came back the
next Friday and we were still there! He
came in about 8:00 that night and gave us a sincere, heartfelt talk. He said, “Look fellas, you have been by your
Mama’s side almost a month now, and you both look like you have been run over
by a train. She is not leaving here
tonight. But she’s not waking up
either. Why don’t you both go home, get
some rest and come back for the long run.”
Travis and I discussed it and we decided about 11:00 to go home and try
to sleep. Robert had us on speed dial if
anything changed. We were back up there
at 8:00 A.M. the next morning and just like he said, Mama was still there. That
night, he came back on night shift again and this time advised, “If you want to
be here when she passes, you probably should stay tonight. I’m going to administer her medicine about
9:30 and then we are going to bathe her at 10:00. Often times, when we give patients in this
situation a bath, it relaxes them and they feel comfortable to go on.” It happened exactly like that. We went back in about 10:30 and by 10:40 we
could tell her breathing was changing.
By 10:50 she wasn’t breathing and we saw no pulse. Travis, Libby, Maria and
I were with her. I told Libby to hit the
call button. At 10:53, June 1st
2024, Robert pronounced Mama’s death.
Was her last month stressful? Absolutely.
Do we all wish she would have gotten better and was here with us
now? That goes without saying. But I have accepted that “it was her
time.” I’m not ok with it and I am ok
with it. I don’t even know how to
explain it. But we had a month to spend
together. We had a month to laugh and she
had time to complain about things in this world that she still did not like! She
was very concerned about Libby’s diet!!!
Here she was, living her last days and complaining about Libby not
eating salad and drinking water! We
laughed as much about that as we did anything during those weeks. Travis and I are so grateful to everyone that
helped us through that time. Libby spent
all the time she could with Mama, her sister-in-law Brenda came to help with
her numerous times, and Kim and Wayne Garner helped us several shifts. Our family and friends called us, texted us
and offered help in any way. Several
friends and family visited her. Our
preacher, Bobby Rackley, visited her numerous times during that time and
reached out often with calls and texts.
Mama liked being the center of attention and for her last month on this
earth, she was nothing but the center of attention. I cannot thank the staff enough at UNC-Holly
Spring-Team Station B, 5th Floor.
They were all very kind to Mama and understanding of her
circumstances. And I don’t even have the
words for The Hospice House of Pittsboro, NC.
I am convinced that the compassion and kindness that runs through that
place and the staff is absolutely God’s work.
It makes me really emotional to even think about how good they treated
Mama and all of us during those 10 days.
Remember her nurse Robert?.....he came to the funeral home and wore
“UNC-Tarheel” socks in honor of me and Travis. We live in a world where we idolize athletes,
social media personalities, actors and even politicians. We should be idolizing the types of people
that work in the medical field that exemplify the compassion and care that Mama
experienced.
I’m sure a lot of people that knew Mama were thinking, “What
in the world happened!?” Since Mama did
not see or talk to people like she used to, most people were unaware that she
was even sick. I thought today would be
a good time to offer everyone an explanation, as it marks 24 years since Deddy
passed away. That is hard for me to
believe. But Mama is with him now. There is no more separation, sickness, stress
or sadness. She is with more loved ones
now than she left behind. I used to worry about Mama being remarried. Because in my mind, I wondered.… “What
happens when you die and you’ve been married more than once to spouses that
passed away?” You know what I’ve
decided? It’s a really stupid thing for
me to think about. Deddy loved Mama and they had a good life together. But Carl
loved her too and they rarely did anything separately in the last 10 years they
were alive. The Lord has all of that figured out and I can promise you, it’s
not a problem.
That brings me to third thing that Mama said to me that I will never forget. But I’m not ready to discuss or talk about that yet, so don’t ask. It was not something I would have expected her to say, especially under the circumstances. It will certainly be a different holiday season this year. It’s strange walking up to a tombstone with your Mother and Father’s names on it. I know their bodies are buried there, but I know their souls are not. I’ll wonder until my time comes what our loved ones can see and hear on the other side. I hope they can hear me when I visit their grave. I hope they CANNOT hear me when I’m playing golf. The Matriarch of our family is still Mama’s own mother. We all know her as “Mema Cameron.” When she was leaving the hospital one day she said, “I’ll tell you what, if your Mama had her own song, it would be ‘I Did it My Way’ because that’s exactly what she has done right up to now!” A few weeks later, I heard this version of the popular Elvis song.
I’ll never hear this song again and not think of Mama. She absolutely did it her way. And that’s ok. Mama, we’ll all be ok.
