Real Heroes Don't Need a Cape

 

Today marks two years since Mama passed away.  That’s a surreal feeling. Mama was stubborn, she did what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it, and she would let you know what she thought in a split second, good or bad.  She could be as critical as anyone I’ve ever known and if she thought you were doing something stupid, she never held back her opinion.  But there was an overwhelming good side to Mama too.  She was forgiving.  She might criticize someone for a poor decision, but was quick to point out that everyone makes mistakes and we should give people grace.  She would consider that everyone has different circumstances in their own lives and be empathetic to anyone having a difficult time.  She loved Deddy, she loved Carl, she loved me and Travis, her grandchildren, sister, Mama and the rest of her family and friends. She could command a room in just a few minutes with the funniest damn stories anyone has ever heard.  Mama was a light that gave me hope and encouragement during the most difficult times of my life.  I will always be grateful to her for that.  However, that’s not what I am really writing about today.

When you go through tragedies in life, it’s always difficult.  Health issues, difficult financial times, loved ones dealing with illness, and the list goes on.  You do the best you can to manage the situation emotionally.  But quite often, it’s simply overwhelming.  I’ve always been tough during the battle.  Deddy battled cancer for a year and I never got upset in front of him one time.  I felt like that would bother him or make him feel like I’d had given up hope. So, as his health declined during that year, I stayed strong in front of him to constantly offer encouragement, hope and eventually acceptance.  When Mama’s health started to decline, I tried to stay strong for her too.  But for some reason, it was harder.  We had a running joke between us that Mama loved to give me the worst case scenarios of every medical appointment she ever had.  When I was in college, I called her one time to see how things had gone at an appointment with an ophthalmologist. She said….  “He told me I need a seeing eye dog.”   That was hysterical to me, but typical of Mama’s dramatic responses.  We were watching the movie Forrest Gump one time and the scene where he comes home because his Mama was sick.  When he gets home, he walks into the room where his Mama is at and says, “What’s wrong Mama” and she responds, “I’m dying Forrest.”  I told Mama that reminded me of her after EVERY SINGLE medical appointment she had.  Having the same dark sense of humor, we both laughed hysterically.  But no matter what you are going through, your support system is critical.  I cannot imagine enduring a difficult life challenge without the support of friends and family. And in a difficult medical situation, the staff around you and your family is imperative.

Travis and I realized Mama was declining by the day early in 2024.  When her second husband, Carl Temple, passed away, as we left the graveyard after the funeral, she said, “Robbie, I never imagined burying your Deddy at 48 years old.  But I never in a million years imagined burying 2 husbands.”  It was obvious, she was devastated. Her and Carl were inseparable the last 10 years of her life. Mama just could not find consistent happiness after he died.   We started to realize the situation was getting worse and we did everything we could bring her joy, encourage her to look after herself and simply keep her interested in life.  But no matter what we did, she could not find the happiness she had most of her life.  At the very beginning of May, we realized that her situation was becoming critical.  On May the 9^th, with her approval, we took her to UNC-Holly Springs hospital.  That was the last time Mama ever saw home. 

Of course, the situation was difficult to handle emotionally.  I told Travis that we were going to have to directly ask her, what did she want us to do?  I prayed about it, worried about it, I anguished about it.  But before we could ask her, she brought it up to us.  When she told us that she wanted us to “expedite the process”, I asked her “What does that mean?” She told me to bring a gun to the hospital and shoot her to put her out of her misery.  I laughed, she laughed, Travis shook his head.  I explained to her that although I had wanted to do that many times, that would cause me to go to jail, so we were going to need a “Plan B.”   Mama: “Keep me comfortable, keep me out of pain, and you boys let me ride this out.  I’ve had enough.”  That was that.  As mean as I am, and I am mean…..it crushed my soul to hear that.  But I didn’t crack and even Travis held it together.  A few days later, one of the doctors made a few suggestions that actually offered some hope.  I was with her by myself and I said, “Mama, the doctor actually said……”   She interrupted me and simply said….. ”I’m dying Robbie.”   Her response was meant two ways; a humorous reference to the scene in Forrest Gump, and a serious acknowledgment that she was done.  That time, I almost cracked and it was hard for me to hold it together.  Hell, I’m emotionally having a hard time typing this.  I don’t ever want to even talk about it, so don’t ask me.

We all have people that we admire in life.  I admired my father.  I have admired all of my grandparents.    I have been a huge fan of Michael Jordan since he went to Carolina.  I always had great admiration for Billy Graham and I truly believe he represented the way Jesus Christ wants you live. To me, he was a modern day Moses.  But during Mama’s demise, I saw true heroes.  I don’t remember all of their names, but my gratitude to all of them is more than they will ever know. At UNC-Holly Springs, “Team Station B” on the 5^th floor were terrific.  They were understanding, patient and did whatever they could to keep Mama comfortable.  If she had a problem, they were quick to respond.  They gave us an incredible amount of support and I will be eternally grateful to all of them.  After 2 weeks of having incredible care are UNC-Holly Springs, Mama was transported to the Jim and Betsy Bryan Hospice Home of UNC Health in Pittsboro, NC. 

I don’t think I had ever been in a Hospice facility until that day.  It was quiet, comfortable and peaceful for Mama and for us.  The staff was incredible.  The compassion shown by everyone there was more than anyone could ask for.  They explained to us that it would not be like a typical hospital environment and they would not wake her up when she was sleeping, take blood, or do anything to disrupt her.  That is exactly the way it was. They attended to her but did not bother her. Everyone at the facility was terrific.  The doctors, nurses, CNA’s, and administrative staff went above and beyond to keep her comfortable.  She was only awake for 4 days.  But even after the 4th day, they looked after her with compassion and genuine kindness.  I want to thank all of them for being the people they are.  One nurse in particular was named “John.”  He was with us when she went to sleep for good, and he was with us when she passed.  I will never forget the empathy he exemplified during our time there.  He even took the time to come to the funeral home for Mama’s visitation AND he wore Carolina socks!  I’m going to be honest, it was all I could do to maintain my composure when he came through the line. They had a “celebration of life” in the year after Mama passed away for all families that had been at the hospice house in Pittsboro and we agreed to attend.  I wanted to thank everyone I saw that helped us during Mama’s time there.  But when we got there, we didn’t see any of the staff that helped her.  At first, I was surprised, but then I realized why.  For the staff of a hospice house, ALL of their patients pass away. So, for them to come to that event, everyone they spoke to, would be a family of a lost loved one.  That would be incredibly difficult emotionally and I totally understood. 

We will all endure loss in life if you live long enough.  Our situation is no sadder than the losses any of you have had.  For many of us, I don’t think we ever overcome significant losses. I truly have a problem letting things go. I think we learn to accept it, while maintaining our memories.  For me, I often reflect on the support system that we had as Mama’s health declined.  The Temple family; Brenda, Fran, Nina, Jeremy, Donald and Matt were all a blessing to us during that time.  My family and Maria’s family checked on us constantly and offered prayers and encouragement.  Mema Cameron told us time and again that we were doing all we could do and not to second guess ourselves because although it was hard, we were truly honoring Mama’s wishes.  Libby helped Mama a lot during that last month and she was with us every spare moment she had.  Lori McPherson was the essential reason that we got Mama into hospice.  She gave me guidance countless times, made multiple phone calls on our behalf and helped facilitate getting Mama into a hospice house. Kim Garner came several times to sit with Mama to let me, Trav and Libby get some rest because between the 3 of us, we were with her 24 hours a day with the exception of just a few times. Our preacher, Bobby Rackley, visited Mama numerous times and prayed with her and for her.  He conducted her funeral as if he had known her 25 years.  Barbecue Presbyterian Church was incredibly supportive in planning her funeral.  The ladies of Barbecue Church offered to prepare some “snacks” after the funeral so we would have some more time to speak to people.  It wasn’t a few snacks; it was basically a full dinner with about 100 different items.  They went way beyond what I expected them to do.  Molly McCormick Howsden helped facilitate everything with Barbecue Church and will be forever grateful to her.

In a world that has lost its compass in so many ways, we have grown to admire people and  possessions that really don’t matter.  We see material things as achievements and signs of success. We admire athletes, musicians, reality TV stars, and even politicians.  But when you are going through a difficult time in your life, those people are not there for love and support. The people around you are. I think for some people, it’s easy to lose sight of that.  But the truth is, your friends, family, loved ones, church family and medical staff are there for you during times of great loss.  You see, none of the people I have mentioned need a cape.  The staff of Team Station B doesn’t need a cape. The staff of the hospice house in Pittsboro doesn’t need a cape.  John doesn’t need a cape. Because real heroes don’t need a cape. #Godbless

She Did It Her Way

 

As many of you know, Mama passed away on June 1^st.  We didn’t say a lot about it on social media because as a family, we had no reason to attract attention for a situation that was already emotionally difficult. It actually happened so quick that we barely had time to react. I took some time to think about what and how I wanted to give everyone an account of what really happened.  Even people that knew her very well were shocked to find out she had passed away.  I hope this gives many of you some clarity and possible closure if you feel like you need it.

Mama was only in her mid 40’s when Deddy passed away.  Deddy had told Travis and me that if she found someone who was worthy and treated her with respect and kindness, he would rather her be with a good person than live her life alone.  He made the case that she had three grandparents to live into their 80’s and Deddy thought living 40 years alone would probably not be good for Mama. 

About five years after Deddy passed away, Mama married Carl Temple. Travis and I felt like Carl truly cared about her, was kind to her and we got along with him just fine. If you know me, you are aware that I don’t simply like everybody. I don’t even try to pretend to.  However, I liked Carl and they were together for about 20 years.   But on November 30^th of last year, Carl had a massive heart attack and passed away.  It was devastating to Mama.  She said that she never imagined outliving Deddy, but she never even considered outliving two husbands.

Mama was overcome with grief and depression.  Carl had a lot of health problems himself the last several years but he gave Mama a purpose.  After he passed, it was almost as if she thought she no longer had any purpose at all.  Although that was certainly not true, it was hard to convince her to look forward in a positive way. She muddled through Christmas last year but really did not enjoy herself.  She stayed with her sister Libby for an extended period of time so she wouldn’t be by herself.  She had no interest in staying with Travis or I because: 1. We could see what she was up to on a daily basis and she did not like that because there were days when she would stay in her recliner for 23 hours out of a day and 2. She would have felt uncomfortable vaping in one of our houses.  She ended up going to the hospital a few months after Carl had passed away.  They found 2 bleeding ulcers in her throat.  She was there about a week.  Before she left she, the doctor stressed the importance of Mama quitting the use of a vape pen.  But she could tell that Mama really didn't want to hear it. So, the doctor asked Mama…. ”Ms. Brafford, you don’t intend to start vaping when you get home do you?  Those ulcers may never heal if you do.”    Mama sat there for about 5 seconds, irritated, and she responded very simply…. “Yes, yes I do.”   When the doctor left the room I told Mama that I was not even going to try to get her to stop because I didn’t want her to dread me talking to her or coming to visit.  We had decided, as a family, to not give her a hard time about a habit that she was incapable of stopping. After we left the hospital and had driven about 3 miles down the road, she cracked my window and started vaping. 

She wanted to stay at home no matter what.  The problem was that she would sit so much throughout the day and not get up and move around, that she continued to get weaker and weaker.  There were many days that she could not walk on her own strength without assistance.  Carl had a nephew, Matt, that had graduated from college and was deciding what his next move was going to be.  In the meantime, we hired him to stay with Mama most of the time.  Matt is a kind hearted soul and he was truly a blessing to us during that time. Carl’s family was a significant help for Mama during that time; Nina, Jeremy, Donald, Fran, Brenda and Walt checked in on Mama with visits and phone calls, constantly.  As much as we wanted Mama to gain back some fight, to work on getting stronger, she was just not going to do it.  We all tried desperately to win back the person with a larger than life personality and get her out of this overwhelming depression. We visited daily, called her constantly, took her food, tried to get her out of the house, organized and administered her medicines twice per day, and talked to her doctors frequently.  We even had cameras in her home that we could log on and check on her to make sure she was ok.  Travis had his kids talk to her over an iPad sometimes just to lift her spirits.  But no matter what we did, we just could not gain back her love for life.  The idea of Mama going to a rehab facility was always on our minds.  But she wasn’t having it. No chance. Without me mentioning it, she told me one day that I could not MAKE her go to a rehab facility.  I told her that it didn’t matter because I wasn’t going to MAKE her do anything. But a part of me still holds some guilt that maybe I should have.  Maybe I should have made her go as a last resort. We discussed it as a family several times, but we just did not believe that it would help her to improve, and it would have probably made the situation worse.  Deddy fought to the bitter end of his life but Mama had decided her time had come and she was just waiting for the Lord to call her home.

The last time that I took her to her regular doctor, she realized just how weak Mama had gotten.  It was to a point that we had to push her around in a wheelchair.  I talked to her in private and she suggested going through Hospice for palliative care.  The hope with palliative care is that the person can get better and no longer need any kind of health assistance.  About a week after that happened, they put her on oxygen.  But her breathing was already getting a lot worse.  So, on May the 9^th, we took her to UNC-Holly Springs.  She was really weak that evening and did not even argue with us.  Our hope all along was to see her turn it around and start to improve.  It was a hard situation to watch someone just give up.  By Monday of the next week, she had basically stopped eating.  We tried to get her to eat, we ordered what she told us to and even brought her food from outside.  But nothing really sparked her appetite.  On Wednesday I told Travis we were getting ready to have a hard conversation with Mama.  And it was very simple:  “Mama, what do you want to happen and what do you truly want us to do?”    I knew it would be hard, but we had to know.  After we had that conversation we walked back into her room and she was asleep.  When she woke up,  I was sitting in the room where she could not see me.  She said, “Travis….. I want you boys to expedite this process.”   I immediately got up and walked to the front of the bed.  We looked at each other a little perplexed and Travis said, “Well Mama, what do you mean by ‘expedite?”  She looked at me and said, “Well, I want you to bring a gun up here tomorrow and shoot me.”   I know, I know….. that sounds terrible.  But guess what, she started laughing and so did we.  Mama had a dark but funny sense of humor and even during that difficult time, she made light of the situation.  I responded, “Well Mama, although I have wanted to shoot you many times during the last 20 years, I will go to jail.  So, can you give us a plan B?”   And again, all three of us laughed.  There are three things that Mama said during those weeks that will be burned into my memory forever. This was the first.  She said, “I want you to keep me comfortable, keep me out of pain and you boys let me ride this out.  I’ve had enough.”   And that was that.  As much as it crushed both of our souls, Travis and I knew we were at the end of the line.

Mama continued to decline over the next week.  However, since she was still taking medicine by mouth and did not have a certain life ending disease like cancer, the hospital wanted her to go somewhere else, such as a rehab facility or rest home.  We were in talks with Hospice but she had not declined enough when we initially talked.  On the last day when we had to make an ultimate decision, we talked to her doctor and discussed her situation.  Since she could barely swallow at that point, had barely eaten anything in 2 weeks and could not walk, she FINALLY qualified for a Hospice House.  I’ve lived through Deddy dying.  I lived through 2008 when I was actively building houses and the market crashed. But those 2 or 3 days of stress were honestly as bad as any stress I have ever had in my life.  I tell you what I realized about myself during this time.  I REALLY, REALLY don’t like people trying to give me advice if they can’t offer a solution or know how to find one.  I want to give credit to Lori McPherson right here and now.  She works at Moore Regional Hospital and she was giving me advice, calling every avenue of help she could think of and checking with me constantly for updates.   She knew the process and her guidance helped us so much. She was calling anybody she could think of that might be able to help us. I will be grateful to her for the rest of my life.  So I am announcing today that I’m giving Lori a FREE ass kicking that she can use for her husband, Lee, at any time.  If he does something she doesn’t like, I will kick his ass, no questions asked. 

On May the 23^rd, Mama was approved for The Hospice House in Pittsboro.  It was truly a blessing.  They let me and Travis know right away that she would be kept comfortable and they would give her as much peace and quiet as she wanted.  I went in to tell Mama what was about to happen.  I didn’t tell her it was a Hospice.  I told her that she was going to a hospital where she could rest, they would keep her comfortable and completely out of pain.  She said, “Ok”.  I told her that I was going to be there when she got there and she was fine with that.  When I got back to the Hospice House, they had rolled her into her room already and she was wide awake.  I asked her how the ride was and she said, “It was fine, they were very nice.”  Then she said the second thing to me that I will always remember.  I said, “Mama, are you ok?”  She said, “Yes.  Are you going to be ok?”   I answered “Yes.”   She said, “Is Travis going to be ok?”  and again I answered “Yes.”   She nodded and we both knew what we were talking about without saying it.  That night, I stayed awake most of the night.  Not because there was a problem, but I just couldn’t sleep.  However, Mama slept like a ROCK!  It was the best I had seen her sleep since she first went into the hospital.  And she slept all night.  It was good to see her get a peaceful night of rest.  The next few days were filled with visits from family, life stories and some time to reflect on her life.  But just like that, she went to sleep on May 26^th and that was it.  She didn’t wake up again. 

The doctor would come in every day and evaluate her.  By Wednesday, he quit predicting that it could be “any hour now” because he just didn’t know.  He kept thinking she was near the end and she just kept hanging in there.  There was a nurse there on the weekends named Robert.  I was grateful to everyone at Hospice for their kindness and warm professionalism. But Robert took it to another level.  He told me and Travis on Sunday that it was nice meeting us and wished us the best through this process.  We shook his hand and he left.  Robert did not think he would see us the next weekend.  Guess what? Robert came back the next Friday and we were still there!  He came in about 8:00 that night and gave us a sincere, heartfelt talk.  He said, “Look fellas, you have been by your Mama’s side almost a month now, and you both look like you have been run over by a train.  She is not leaving here tonight.  But she’s not waking up either.  Why don’t you both go home, get some rest and come back for the long run.”  Travis and I discussed it and we decided about 11:00 to go home and try to sleep.  Robert had us on speed dial if anything changed.  We were back up there at 8:00 A.M. the next morning and just like he said, Mama was still there. That night, he came back on night shift again and this time advised, “If you want to be here when she passes, you probably should stay tonight.  I’m going to administer her medicine about 9:30 and then we are going to bathe her at 10:00.  Often times, when we give patients in this situation a bath, it relaxes them and they feel comfortable to go on.”  It happened exactly like that.  We went back in about 10:30 and by 10:40 we could tell her breathing was changing.  By 10:50 she wasn’t breathing and we saw no pulse. Travis, Libby, Maria and I were with her.  I told Libby to hit the call button.   At 10:53, June 1^st 2024, Robert pronounced Mama’s death. 

Was her last month stressful?  Absolutely.  Do we all wish she would have gotten better and was here with us now?  That goes without saying.  But I have accepted that “it was her time.”  I’m not ok with it and I am ok with it.  I don’t even know how to explain it.  But we had a month to spend together.  We had a month to laugh and she had time to complain about things in this world that she still did not like! She was very concerned about Libby’s diet!!!  Here she was, living her last days and complaining about Libby not eating salad and drinking water!  We laughed as much about that as we did anything during those weeks.  Travis and I are so grateful to everyone that helped us through that time.  Libby spent all the time she could with Mama, her sister-in-law Brenda came to help with her numerous times, and Kim and Wayne Garner helped us several shifts.  Our family and friends called us, texted us and offered help in any way.  Several friends and family visited her.  Our preacher, Bobby Rackley, visited her numerous times during that time and reached out often with calls and texts.  Mama liked being the center of attention and for her last month on this earth, she was nothing but the center of attention.   I cannot thank the staff enough at UNC-Holly Spring-Team Station B, 5^th Floor.  They were all very kind to Mama and understanding of her circumstances.  And I don’t even have the words for The Hospice House of Pittsboro, NC.  I am convinced that the compassion and kindness that runs through that place and the staff is absolutely God’s work.  It makes me really emotional to even think about how good they treated Mama and all of us during those 10 days.  Remember her nurse Robert?.....he came to the funeral home and wore “UNC-Tarheel” socks in honor of me and Travis.   We live in a world where we idolize athletes, social media personalities, actors and even politicians.  We should be idolizing the types of people that work in the medical field that exemplify the compassion and care that Mama experienced. 

I’m sure a lot of people that knew Mama were thinking, “What in the world happened!?”  Since Mama did not see or talk to people like she used to, most people were unaware that she was even sick.  I thought today would be a good time to offer everyone an explanation, as it marks 24 years since Deddy passed away.   That is hard for me to believe.   But Mama is with him now.  There is no more separation, sickness, stress or sadness.  She is with more loved ones now than she left behind. I used to worry about Mama being remarried.  Because in my mind, I wondered.… “What happens when you die and you’ve been married more than once to spouses that passed away?”   You know what I’ve decided?  It’s a really stupid thing for me to think about. Deddy loved Mama and they had a good life together. But Carl loved her too and they rarely did anything separately in the last 10 years they were alive. The Lord has all of that figured out and I can promise you, it’s not a problem.  

That brings me to third thing that Mama said to me that I will never forget.  But I’m not ready to discuss or talk about that yet, so don’t ask.  It was not something I would have expected her to say, especially under the circumstances.  It will certainly be a different holiday season this year. It’s strange walking up to a tombstone with your Mother and Father’s names on it. I know their bodies are buried there, but I know their souls are not. I’ll wonder until my time comes what our loved ones can see and hear on the other side.  I hope they can hear me when I visit their grave.  I hope they CANNOT hear me when I’m playing golf.  The Matriarch of our family is still Mama’s own mother.  We all know her as “Mema Cameron.”  When she was leaving the hospital one day she said, “I’ll tell you what, if your Mama had her own song, it would be ‘I Did it My Way’ because that’s exactly what she has done right up to now!”  A few weeks later, I heard this version of the popular Elvis song.  

I’ll never hear this song again and not think of Mama.  She absolutely did it her way.  And that’s ok.  Mama, we’ll all be ok.

Only the Good Die Young

 

    I don’t necessarily believe the title of this blog but it’s a phrase I have heard often.  I know a lot of people who have lived to be very old that were wonderful.  Today is the 23^rd anniversary of my Father’s death. Although he has been gone over two decades, I can still hear his voice in my head and I hope that never changes.  He was a great example of how to be a good person.  He was good to Mama, me and Travis, his own Mama and Deddy, his brothers, Mema Cameron and the rest of his family and friends. He was only 48 when he died and it seems like his death was a few years ago in some ways, but it seems like a lifetime ago at the same time.

    Last week, John Patterson passed away from a year-long battle with liver cancer.  To everyone, John was truly a good person in his own right. He will be missed by his family, friends and coworkers alike.  The outpouring of support for his family, the wonderful memories that were shared, and the acknowledgment of his accomplishments throughout his life were all indicative of what a great person he really was.  I was honored to be asked to be a pallbearer.  I’ve been asked a few times in my life to be a pallbearer and it’s honestly a very humbling experience.  Standing around and talking with the other pallbearers reminded me of how much John was loved and respected.

    The fact that he was so young certainly made the funeral sad.  However, it wasn’t as sad as I expected.   Not because he won’t be missed. Not because his family, coworkers, church and the world in general doesn’t need him.  It was because you sat there and realized how much life he packed into 48 years.  He was an accomplished athlete.  He excelled at football in high school and in college he was a star on the track and field team.  His buddy Moose said he could throw the “hammer” like it was a golf club.  He told a story of going to a competition one time when John was at NC State.  His main competitor for that year wound up, spun around 3 hard times and let the hammer fly.  When John took his turn, he spun ONE time and threw the hammer way beyond his competitor.  Moose asked him afterwards, “Why didn’t you spin 3 times like the other guy?”   John said, “I didn’t have to.”   He was the “Most Outstanding Player” for the NC State track and field team in 1997 and won the ACC Championship, setting an ACC record that stood for 2 years.  I’ve known John for over 22 years and he never mentioned that one time.  You know why?   He didn’t have to.

    John was a smart guy and he was the KING of trivia.  He knew more random facts than anyone I ever met.  We had the same sarcastic sense of humor and some of the texts he sent me were honestly some of the funniest things I’ve ever read in my life. He worked with Farm Credit for over 25 years and was very well respected among his co-workers.  I don’t know how many co-workers came to the funeral, but it’s safe to say it seemed like it was everyone that John had ever worked with.

    John was completely devoted to his family and friends.  Him and Georgia Lee were married 20 years and dated several years before that. He loved Georgia Lee and she was by his side from the beginning until the very end.  Someone said to me last week…. ”I’m going to tell you what, Georgia Lee is tough as nails.”  You damn right she is.  John loved being a father and loved Leah Grace with all his heart. He always referred to her as his “mini me” and he got that right.  He had a great relationship with his father, mother and sister.  He was always fun to be around at any family event.  You could count on John to say something funny.  And although he was often pointing out the obvious, the way he would say things would be hysterical.  I had the utmost respect for John Patterson. And to honor him, I did something I have never done in my entire.  I wore an NC State tie to his funeral.  I’ve never worn ANYTHING NC State in my entire life!!!  And if you are reading this and are a Dook fan, don’t get any ideas.  My hypocrisy only goes so far.

    John found out last fall that he had liver cancer.  Deddy found out in the fall of 1999 that he had liver cancer.  John went through several efforts of treatment for as long as it showed some progress.   Deddy did the same thing.  John stood up the day he passed away.  Deddy was walking around the day before he passed away.  John and Deddy both lived about a year with cancer and both died at 48.  Georgia Lee probably doesn’t know this, but she is the same age as my mother, 46, when Deddy passed away.  There were so many similarities that I had to make an effort to keep it together emotionally when I was around John.  To the very end, both of them lived life to the fullest, enjoyed family and friends and were faithful to their Lord and Savior.  I still miss Deddy every day.  And I’m going to miss John.  I’m not sure why people like them have to die so young. But a short life, well-lived is a lot better than a long life, wasted.  John and Deddy got all they could out of life….and they will both always be missed by everyone that loved them.

2 Timothy 4:7,8    I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:   Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

 

          Today is just an ordinary day for most people.  Of course, some people are celebrating a birthday, an anniversary, or some other significant milestone in their life.  Many people got up today and went to work, or school, or had a cup of coffee as they enjoy retirement.  For most people, today has no real significance.  However, today means a lot more to me than that.

          What a life I have had.  I’ve had highs that took me into the stratosphere, lows that I would like to forget, but most of the days of my life have been a normal routine of some sort.  I’ve achieved a number of things in my life.  I was a member of the 1991 Western Harnett Baseball team that won the triangle 3A conference championship for central North Carolina.  Without a doubt, this was the greatest high school baseball team that ever existed.  If you don’t believe me, just ask me.  High School was four really good years and gave me a solid foundation for the rest of my life.  I was elected Student Body President my senior year and I was always grateful that my fellow students elected me. My lifelong dream of going to UNC-Chapel Hill began in the fall of 1991.  I had to study HARD to get through. I pulled all-nighters like it was nothing.  I spent MANY nights in the library and study rooms pounding away in the books. In May of 1995, I graduated.  My entire family came to the graduation and it was a wonderful day.  I was not sure what I wanted to do for a career but I soon found myself selling real estate.  The first really successful project I worked on was a condo project in Raleigh.  In a 4-month stretch, I sold 36 condos and I was winning an award almost every month at the Triangle Sales and Marketing meeting.  I was talking to my father on a Monday during that time and he asked me, “Did you sell a condo this weekend?”   I responded, “I actually sold 6.”  He laughed and said, “Really, did you sell one?”   Again, I responded, “No, I really did sell 6.”  He was astonished but proud. 

           Not long after I had really gained some success selling real estate in the Raleigh market, we found out Deddy had cancer.  In an instant, my life changed.  I could not bear the thought of him not having a lot of help as he went through treatment and was still trying to keep his company going.  So, I came home and dedicated myself to helping him in every way I could. To be honest, I’m still handling things now that were left when he passed away.  I don’t regret that fact, because it has made me the person I am now.  After Deddy passed away, I not only sold real estate locally, but I started building houses. Honestly, I really enjoyed it.  I did that until the world ended for many of us home builders in 2008.  The two years that followed were almost impossible to survive.  But I did.  My greatest professional accomplishment was making it through that time period.  I had 8 houses under construction when the economy collapsed.  I actually still have 2 of them now!  Looking back, I don’t how I made it through and I don’t know how I didn’t have a nervous breakdown.  The truth is, during that time, there was one set of footprints in the sand, and the Lord carried me a really long way. I am overwhelmed with gratefulness when I consider that time of my life.

          In 2010, I took a new job with Liberty Tire and that gave me very different opportunities.  I have traveled ALL OVER the United States.  I’ve seen some awesome places.  But when my primary job was selling tires, I also saw the worst of America.  I’ve been in some of the most beautiful places such as Salt Lake City, the warmest places like Florida in the summer, the coldest places like Minnesota in the winter, and the roughest places like Detroit.  I’ve met people from almost every race, creed and religion.  I’ve honestly met some of the nicest people that are completely not like me at all. I had a conversation with a Muslim one week and a Chaldean Christian the next week, both from the middle east. Although both conversations with me were calm and respectful, I realized from talking to each of them why there has always been so much fighting in that region of the world.  There is no compromise in their beliefs and in my opinion, they will never be able to gain a truly peaceful, mutual existence. 

In my personal life, I have so many wonderful things to be grateful for, it’s hard to keep up with them.  Maria and I have been married for 20 years and she is finally starting to realize that I am always right.  I have 2 nieces and 2 nephews.  All four have unique personalities that I really enjoy.  They are all really smart.  I’ve watched Andrew grow up playing football and basketball.  Kaitlyn loves to dance, and if I continue teaching her some of my classic dance moves, she will be a truly great dancer!  Brooklyn is 6 years old and she has not stopped talking for 6 years now, using a vocabulary that Daniel Webster would be proud of.  I’ve helped my brother, Travis, coach soccer, basketball and baseball since Colton was 4. Colton is great kid to coach. He does everything we ask him to do and I try to convey to him my confidence and remind him that I’m proud of him just for giving his best effort.  Between the three sports, we just wrapped up our 20th season coaching.  We have had some terrific teams and I have had the good fortune to coach a bunch of great kids. We have won 7 Championships.  Travis is the X’s and 0’s coach, and I’m the motivator.  I can make a kid believe in themselves even when they might not be the most talented.  That’s important to me, because all kids have different skill levels.

As a family, we have also been through some significant challenges.  We have lost a lot of loved ones over the years. Mama found out some years ago that she had esophageal cancer. She went through chemo and radiation at the same time. Then a MAJOR surgery and a month in the hospital. After all of that, she pulled through. She had to endure a lot, but she did not give up. That was not even an option. We rallied around her with encouragement, support and love. Mema Cameron was also diagnosed with lymphoma.  But after an optimistic prognosis, she had her treatments and also fully recovered!  As a family, we were so grateful for the blessing that both of them made it through such serious health challenges. 

I still love to play golf.  I still cannot beat Uncle Boyd but other than him, there is really nobody as good as me.  I always feel bad when grown men cry from the ass kicking they have to endure when we play.  Suck it up buttercups.  I like to fish, although I don’t have time to do that much.  A neighbor walked into my yard during the pandemic in 2020 and GAVE me a 28 foot pontoon boat.  They were buying a new one and didn’t want to go through the trouble of selling it.  So, for no reason at all, they gave me their old one!!  I like to read a lot now, grill out, keep my yard looking good, make wine, and put up Christmas decorations.  My family has always loved Christmas and I have made many of the decorations that we have used through the years. I think that Charlie Brown should be made a saint. Although a cartoon character, his life is indicative of mine in a lot of ways.

I plan to enjoy life as much as I can as often as I can.  I want to enjoy spending time with family, friends and loved ones.  You appreciate those around you during the good times, but you are grateful for them during the challenges of life.  I look forward to new opportunities that may come along.  I’ve always tried to make the most of everything I’ve done.  I’m going to continue to grow my faith and pray for others.  You may not be able to do anything for someone going through a hardship, but you can always pray for them and the people around them. 

Today should be a normal day, but it’s not for me.  You see, today at 1:30, I was the exact same age as my father when he died, to the minute.  I’ve thought about this day a lot over the years.  How would I feel? Why should I be blessed with a longer life than he had? What would my thoughts be? I’m optimistic.  I’m hopeful. I’m grateful. I know the world is changing and I know there is a lot of stress and acrimony throughout society. But I’m not going to be a person that focuses on the negative aspects of the world. I don’t want to become someone that only says or post things on social media that are negative or hateful in some way. I see that as a miserable existence, and I don’t want my life to be like that. For those people to truly see what is wrong in this world, all they need is a mirror. I’m going to enjoy my life and do everything I can to help my family and friends enjoy theirs. I’m going to congratulate people for achievements and support them during hardships. I’m going to ball games, birthday parties, weddings, and gatherings with friends and family. And I’m going to be grateful….because today is the first day of the rest of my life.  

A Year to Forget

      

This year has already proven to be a year that many of us would like to forget.  COVID-19 has evolved into one of the most problematic viruses in our lifetime.  We have had to change the way we travel, visit, work, and just go through our daily routines.  Almost 200,000 Americans have died from the Coronavirus and we are all just tired of it. 

Dissension in the United States is at an all time high.  I don’t remember as many controversial situations existing at one time as there are now.  So many people are filled with anger and rage. You can’t have an opinion without offending someone, and the time for listening to each other and being reasonable is long gone.  We now live in the “Divided States of America” and for most of us, that is really sad.  I still believe in my 80% rule.  80% of every color, creed, religion etc., can get along with 80% of every other group that’s different in some way.  But the 20% in every group is often louder, unwilling to compromise, and no longer feel that having respect for others is relevant.  I honestly believe that if you only had the 80% of us that were reasonable in every category or group, you would eliminate 99% of the problems in America. 

It astonishes me that so many people have forgotten that we are a democracy.  The same people that use the words socialism, marxism, racism or fascism will berate someone for having a different opinion while claiming to support a democratic society.  And don’t make the mistake of thinking its only one group that does this, there are people in both parties and all groups that do it.  In the world we live in today, it’s easier to find a reason to be angry than to be reasonable.  That is something that I will never understand. 

For the first time in my life, I lost a really good friend of mine. When the coronavirus caused everyone to be on lockdown for a while, I spent more time working from home that I have in 10 years.  One year in particular, I was on the road for 48 out of the 52 weeks during that year.  During this lockdown, I got to know my neighbor Art better than I ever have.  If he saw me outside doing almost anything, he was in my yard within 30 seconds!  We tore a golf cart apart that I’m still working on, he helped me work on my truck, lawn mower, and boat motor.  We would discuss what was going on in the world almost every evening.  We went fishing one evening during the middle of June.  We caught some fish, laughed, told stories etc.  When we got home, I told him one last story and he was walking out of my yard laughing and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”   The next morning when I took Charlie out, there was an ambulance in the yard.  I went over to see what was going on and walked in the front door.  I asked his wife Elaine what was going on and she just responded, “He’s gone.”  I was in complete shock.  62 years old, he had just signed up for Social Security, had probably been in the best mood for 3 months that I had ever seen and just like that, he’s gone.  As I am putting that golf cart back together, I think of him often.  Several people asked me, “Can you get that golf cart back together?”   I would always respond, “No, but Art can!”  His wife asked me to do his eulogy and his Mother told me he had 2 best friends in his entire life, a good friend he grew up with named “Roosevelt” and me.  His brother Sean told me that every time he talked to Art, he would mention doing something with “Robbie.”  I’m glad we spent the time we did together those last 3 months. Art told me numerous times that as he got to know people in the area, he would always tell them that he lived beside me.  He said he was surprised that very often when he did that, they would respond by talking about what a great guy my father was. Art mentioned to me several times that he regretted never meeting Deddy. 

My mother’s health has declined again this year.  It was determined that she had a critically low copper level.  I never even knew that could even be an issue at all.  After some infusions, her levels are back to normal so hopefully she will start to see some improvement sooner than later.   

My father’s best friend, Mike McNeil passed away a few weeks ago.  Mike came to see Deddy often while he battled cancer.  After Deddy passed away, he would call every few months to check on everyone and make sure things were going ok.  Although I regretted hearing about Mike’s passing, I am sure that Deddy was waiting for him when he arrived in Heaven.   A story I told a few weeks ago about Mike was when Mama had surgery for esophageal cancer, she had a major setback about 2 weeks into recovery.  Mike called me that night about 9:00.  I explained to him the situation and that the circumstances were serious.  He said, “I’ll see you tomorrow about 12:00.”  The irony was that he lived in Florida.  But the next day, about 12:00, Mike and his wife walked in.  When I was born, Mama was in labor from Christmas Eve until the 26th of December.  It was probably because my head was the same size when I was born as it is now! But for years, Mike called me or texted me on my birthday.  I asked him a few years ago, how he always remembered my birthday and he explained to me that he was at the hospital with Deddy during the entire labor.  I had never known that before.   

Today marks 20 years since Deddy died.  I still miss him as much as I ever did.  I regret that he is not at Little League games with us, not golfing with us on Sundays, not at Uncle Boyd’s Christmas party and not there to offer patient, constructive advice.  But I don’t miss the fact that he cannot see the bad in this world.  I hope he cannot see the anger, the acrimony, and lack of respect that many people have for each other.  I honestly don’t know where we go from here. No matter how bad things are, I think we would all like to know there is a brighter future on the horizon.  I have friends from all walks of life.  They have different religious views, are a different race, different political views, or have other differences in one way or another.  But although I may not be exactly like them or even agree with them, I can still respect them.  Sometimes, its ok to agree to disagree. That’s something that I think we really need to get back to.  This era of forcing your beliefs on others is not working and all you have to do is turn on any news channel and you’ll realize how right I am.  My father set a great example for Travis and myself by being kind to people, showing compassion, and especially practicing forgiveness.   

Although I miss my father, I’m glad he doesn’t have to watch hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, catastrophic fires, riots and anger gradually destroy the Earth. I feel better knowing that he is on the other side welcoming his family and friends that pass away.  I’m sure Art finally met him.  I know he and Mike were glad to see each other again.  And I’m glad he is in a much better place than the world we live today.