Three Things Will Carry On Forever

     There are not a lot of things in this world that I hate, but I do hate cancer. It is the one thing in this world that I hate the most. I would include how I really feel, but I do not want to scare some of the people that may read this article. It has no friends, it does nothing good for anyone, and only causes pain and suffering for millions of people every day, all the time, nonstop. One of the best speeches that I’ve ever heard was by Jim Valvano. I think all of us that heard him make his last speech at the ESPYS will always remember him saying, “Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever.”

     I was talking with one of Deddy’s doctors at Johns Hopkins many years ago and we were discussing the conspiracy that there actually may be a cure for cancer but there is so much money involved with treating it, that the government will not allow the cure to be utilized. He was adamant that if he was aware of a cure, he would tell the world with great enthusiasm. He said that there would always be another disease for the medical profession to work on. We discussed the challenges with fighting cancer and that the problem is, unlike a virus, it is a mutation of cells. With a virus, you can put it in a petri dish and constantly search for medical ingredients to combat the virus. He indicated to me that the medical community is sure that certain habits make people more at risk for cancer. However, he felt like we will eventually discover that a combination of things we use every day, likely make us more prone to develop cancer.

     I don’t know one person that has not been affected by cancer. My Papa Cameron died from it. My father died from it. My Mema Brafford had 7 of her 8 brothers and sisters to die from cancer. When I look back on my childhood, it honestly seems to me that one of her brothers or sisters were dying my whole life until they were all gone. My mother had a tough battle with it, but she is doing better every day. I’ve watched many family friends battle and pass away from this horrible disease.

     Even though this is a dreaded disease, I don’t want to relent to the sadness that it causes. So let’s move forward. Cancer is one of the diseases that actually brings us closer together. With tragedy, there is often unity. When Deddy was sick, the support we received was incredible. It was the same way when Mama was going through treatment, surgery, and recovery. The calls, the cards, the emails, the notes of encouragement were overwhelming. I even talked to my own family a lot more. When you are going through a challenging situation, it’s a blessing to know people are praying for you every day. Nobody needs to fight this disease alone.

     Our own community has several children and friends battling cancer right now. But we are all praying. You can see on Facebook how people are rallying around these families. During times like this, you often see the best attributes in people. That is one of the best characteristics of the area we live in. As the world continues to grow, we are fortunate to live in an area that still has a sense of community. You cannot imagine until it happens to you, how much encouragement it gives a family to feel the support of their community. It’s both humbling and overwhelming. We have two children in this area that are battling cancer right now, Drew Blalock and Lacy O'Quinn. I would encourage all of you to click on the link to their Facebook page and please keep their fundraiser in mind.  Prayers for Lacy and Drew

     Today marks 16 years since Deddy passed away. I’ve honestly never gotten over his passing and I don’t believe I ever will. I know he’s in a better place. I know he is healed. But I still regret that he was not able to live a little longer. A few more ball games to watch, a few more westerns, a few more rounds of golf, and a lot more advice. Cancer gradually did take away his physical abilities. But it did not touch his mind, it did not touch his heart, and it did not touch his soul. And those are the three things that will carry on forever.

The Crosses That We Bear

The Bible is very clear that God was often very stern as the world began to evolve. The Lord thought that the world had become too wicked in their ways so he instructed Noah to build an Arc to save his family, but destroyed everyone else. He also became angry about the evil that had spread throughout Sodom and Gomorrah, so he destroyed them too. He guided Moses to free the Hebrew slaves and at the same time, destroyed Egypt with plagues and the Red Sea. Although we have an instruction book in the Bible, and life is much better when we abide by the laws and rules God has established, humanity has failed God time and time again.

The Roman Empire dismissed God and still conquered much of the world. God could have once again destroyed the world, brought plagues, annihilated cities or done anything else he thought was justified. But, he didn’t. Instead, God decided to save us all by sending his only son to save this world. I don’t understand why it had to happen like that, but it’s not for us to know exactly why. At the same time, God does not owe us an explanation. The only thing humanity needs to do is be grateful.

The story of Jesus is without a doubt, the most incredible story to ever occur. He was born to a poor couple in a barn with only a few “wise men” realizing his significance. We only know about a few years of his life at all. During the last few years of his life, Jesus gathered a group of disciples, peacefully spread the word of God, healed countless people, performed numerous miracles and taught people to forgive others.

We all see people going through trials and tribulations in life. As my Mother dealt with cancer the last 6 months, it was easy to see just how quick life can change. I have watched her suffer through chemo, radiation, depression, and two surgeries. It’s been emotionally and psychologically draining for our whole family as her circumstances changed sometimes by the hour. But you know what we all feel? Grateful. I cannot thank God enough for the blessings he has given my Mother.

As I walked around the hospital almost every day, I saw patients and family members that I felt certain did not have the optimistic prognosis that Mama had. My heart and my prayers constantly went out for people as I walked around. Our family was bombarded with words of encouragement, emails, phone calls, cards and promises of prayers. I accidentally called a customer one night and hung up when I realized his number was dialing. Mama had just went into her second surgery because her feeding tube had become loose. The man called me back and he knew I was upset because I could barely talk. He prayed for me and my family right then and there and encouraged me to leave everything in the Lord’s hands because God knew the needs of my mother.

Another great friend of mine named Stephon Goode, who went to Carolina with me, came to see Mama at the hospital. Stephon is a great guy and he is also a Pastor at Union Grove Baptist Church. He visited with us for a while, said a prayer with us, gave me a hug and told me to keep in touch. The next day, his brother was in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition. Another reminder that you just never know when a family may have challenges to endure. His brother is rehabilitating and they are optimistic that he will make a full recovery.

This world is plagued with problems. There are wars all over the world, acrimony at every turn, and dissension constantly between people. As I travel across America, I see some rough places. It astonishes me when I go through areas where so many buildings are abandoned and destroyed, trash is all over the streets, and it seems that nobody could care less. If the world has ever been deserving of an intervention by God, it’s now.

But Jesus has saved us all. Jesus gave us the promise that we can obtain salvation. Without him, we would all be doomed. His time here on earth was much like ours. He experienced every type of emotion a person can have. He saw our flaws and how misguided human beings can be. Regardless, he was still committed to saving us. Even as people yelled “Crucify him,” Jesus still wanted to save them. He anguished in the garden in Gethsamane but was still willing to do the will of God no matter what. He was mocked, brutally beaten, and nailed to a cross. A crown of thorns was placed on his head for further ridicule. Then he was stationed high on a hill so the world could watch him die. For all of this, Jesus still said “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do”. All the power of the universe at his disposal, and yet he suffered through to save us all.

We all have our own crosses to bear. However, I am convinced that no matter how heavy your cross is, someone else has a cross even heavier. On this Easter Sunday, keep in mind that no matter how heavy your cross may feel, it will never be as heavy as the cross Jesus carried. What should be humbling to all of us is that Jesus did not carry a cross for himself, but he carried it so that OUR sins could be forgiven and we could have salvation. For that, we should all be truly grateful.

The Sword of Brenda

When we were growing up, one of the recurring themes Travis and I heard from our mother was that she would NEVER tolerate either of us beating on a girlfriend or a wife. No matter how old we were, she would not allow us to cause a woman emotional or physical abuse. If we ever did make such a ridiculous error in judgment, we would suffer at the hands of “the sword.”

Travis and I heard the story of “the sword” many times in our lives. I don’t know why because neither of us ever gave any indication that we would be abusive. But the story would always surface when Mama would hear a story of someone being in an abusive relationship. Mama is truly one of greatest story tellers that I have had the fortune of being around during my life. I just had a feeling that many of you would enjoy “The Sword of Brenda.”

So the subject would generally become the topic of conversation when someone that we knew or being covered in the news had a physical confrontation. Mama would go into the “lesson” that we heard many times. She would start out by explaining how wrong it was for a man to beat a woman as a show of force. She felt that if a relationship ever got to that point, a couple either needed counseling or the relationship had run its course. Then she would explain… “If either one of you boys ever decide to hit on your girlfriend or wife, do you want to know what I’m going to do? Do you?” Now, considering we were never like that anyway, we really didn’t need to hear what she would do but it was not optional to listen to what her reaction would be.

So, she would continue as only Mama could…. “I’m going to get a sword. A big, long, super sharp sword.” With this explanation she would spread her arms apart as far as she could to reinforce just how long this sword would be. “It will be a sword from a great Samurai warrior who did NOT beat on his wife.” Because, a sword from a Samurai warrior that DID beat on his wife I guess would not be worth a damn! “And I’m going to hold it over my head like this” as she held the imaginary 8 foot long, razor sharp sword HIGH over her head.

“Then when you walk in, I’m going to ask you how your day has been.” As if we would not be suspicious of our mother holding a sword over her head, but ok. “Then I’m going ask you if hitting on a woman makes you feel good.” With this, she would stretch her arms as high as she could get them. “AND THEN, in one single swoop,” as she sliced through the air with her imaginary sword, “I’m going to cut your ‘nunads’ right off!” Trust me, no man alive likes the thought of a sword cutting off that part of his body. We would always cringe at the thought, but if you think the story is over, think again.

So she would continue…. “Then you know what I’m going to do?” I mean really, at this point, we got the message. “I’m going to take your nunads and ROLL THEM IN GLUE! Then you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to roll them in glitter!” So have you figured out by now, that our mother had her own way of making a point to Travis and myself? “THEN, I’m going to attach some SILVER hooks to them and make EARRINGS out of them!”

Ok, so how terrible is that thought, really? Apparently, not terrible enough. “Then I’m going to wear them at Christmas!” So now she is walking around the living room as if she is strolling through the mall. “Then, I’m going to see somebody I know and they are going to tell me that they LOVE my earrings!” Her imaginary reaction to the question would be one of DELIGHT and she would respond… “Oh, theeeesssee earrings?!” As she would swing her head back and forth. “Well, my son decided he was TOUGH, he was manly! A pure badass that decided he could beat on his girlfriend! SO, I cut off his nunads and made Christmas earrings out of them!” Was the imaginary person shocked in this rendition? Appalled? Mortified?.....no, of course not. “Oh Brenda, I LOVE them! I bet your son understands not to do that anymore, don’t he!?” and Mama would respond, “Why yes, I believe he does.” She would always end “the sword” with “And I’ll do it too!” I guess just to make sure that we did not doubt her anger if that situation ever occurred.

Needless to say, that has never been a problem, but we always knew where our Mama stood on the issue. OJ Simpson needs to thank the Lord above that Mama was not allowed to determine his punishment.

As many of you already know, Mama was diagnosed with cancer in September. We have been through this with Deddy, who passed away 15 years ago. It has certainly been a difficult time. The toll of chemotherapy and radiation has been challenging, tiring, and exhaustive. Emotionally for my mother, it has been overwhelming. But her prognosis is very encouraging and the medical team helping her, have been great. They have told her continuously that in her specific situation, they can “cure” her. As a family, we really do have a lot to be grateful for. I would encourage all of you to take the time this Christmas season to thank God in prayer for whatever blessings you do have. It’s so easy to let the challenges of life overwhelm you and become the only aspect you focus on. But, if you take a deep breath and give life some patient thought, we ALL have things to be grateful for. I have a lot to be grateful for, but this Christmas season, I am truly grateful for my mother and I hope she gets back to wielding her sword in the near future……..just not at me!

Respect

No matter how much money you have, how powerful you become, or how popular you are, respect is something that can only be achieved on merit. It is not something that can be bought or granted.

My father was a person of great respect. He respected his mother and father, his brothers, his wife, his children, and his friends. He also respected people he did not really know just because that was the way he was. He respected authority such as law enforcement. He always respected laws and rules. Because of the respect he gave to the world, he earned an incredible amount of respect for himself.

He felt a significant affinity towards all three of his brothers. He loved each one of them, accepted their differences, and wanted to see all of them do well in life. So I decided to ask each of them what they respected the most about my father.

Randy said he was just simply a good man. He was never selfish and gave of himself anytime he could. He admired the way Deddy loved life in general and didn’t let adversity make him bitter or negative. But the aspect about my father that he respected the most was his love for his family. It was genuine, sincere, and without judgment.

Sammy said that he respected his generosity as much as anything. He recalled that every year, Deddy put together bags of fruit, nuts, and a small gift and gave them out to the elderly people in the neighborhood. He didn’t do this to win an award. He didn’t do to be recognized. He did it because he thought it was the right thing to do at Christmas for people he had known most of his life. A lot of people that still recall him delivering those bags at Christmas and without him realizing it, I believe it was one of his greatest acts of generosity.

Uncle Boyd respected him for the fact that Deddy loved him so much. If you know Uncle Boyd, he can give you absolute hell by picking on you about anything. He told me that if he had been Deddy, he would not have put up with some of his OWN joking and picking! But he said Deddy just took it in stride and would usually have a sharp comeback. Uncle Boyd really respected the fact that he was genuinely just a good person and always considered what was the right thing to do in all situations.

They all recalled a year when a family had their house to burn down just a few weeks before Christmas. Well, Deddy called a bunch of people and briefly explained the situation, then TOLD them the amount they would be donating. Then he sent Mama shopping and a family that was in crisis was able to enjoy Christmas that year.

I know growing up, my cousins and even many of my friends respected Deddy as much or more than they did their own parents. I have a friend named Anthony McPhaul that I played baseball with in high school and now he works at the Dairy Bar. He did not know Deddy that good but has told me how much he respected him because he felt like he looked at him as “just one of the guys on the baseball team” and treated him like he did everybody else. Jason McPherson respected Deddy probably almost as much as I did.

One night I was at David O’Quinn’s house and we were debating doing something we shouldn’t do. I don’t recall what it was, but it was probably something simple like “robbing a bank.” Anyway, I was reluctant to go along with the idea and noted, “If we got caught, my Deddy would kill me.” David’s buddy chuckled and was like, “so, you’re scared of your Dad?” David immediately responded with, “Troy, do you know who Grizzly Adams is?.....well, imagine him on crack cocaine and angry….that would be Robbie’s Deddy mad.” Troy immediately understood the analogy and we just played basketball.

It is hard to describe how much Travis and I respected our father. He never let us down in any capacity. He didn’t give up on us when we failed and he did whatever he had to do to be a provider for our family even during very hard times. He respected our mother and he loved her unconditionally. He did whatever he could for his own Mother and Father and made sure that his mother-in-law was also taken care of.

I don’t think I had an actual idea of just how many responsibilities Deddy had until he passed away and much of that responsibility was passed off to me by default. I can assure you, as easy as Deddy made it look, it was overwhelming. I respect him more today than I ever have.

The generosity my father exhibited in his lifetime was truly admirable. He gave of himself without really giving it much thought. The little things he did are the things people remember the most. He used to take Mama and Mildred to the mall on Saturday nights sometimes and would just sit and wait for them to shop. I know a lot of men who would not do that on a regular basis. Maria recalled during hurricane Fran that we got our power back before her family did. So, Mama and Deddy immediately took our generator over to their house to use. Instead of enjoying a cool house and getting things back to normal at home, they thought of another family and reacted immediately.

I don’t question God’s decisions. I know He is right whether I like it or not. But I think about my father passing away at 48 and I can’t help but think that he had a lot of good left to do in a world that seems to get worse by the day. But, although I miss him and regret he is no longer here, I’ve accepted it. I’ve also considered that maybe its possible that he had done all the Lord wanted him to do in 48 years and it was time to move on. Either way, I know his family and friends still miss him. If the world would make more of an effort to earn the respect of each other in all regards, I certainly think there would be a lot less “bad news” to report all of the time. When you really do think about it, MOST of the terrible things happening all over the world are very simply because people do not have respect for each other. Ironically, one of Deddy’s best attributes was that he respected people for who they were, even when it meant accepting differences. I think that is probably the reason so many people respected HIM as much as they did. It’s been 15 years since he passed away and people still talk to me about how much they miss him, how much they would love to see him again, and how much they truly loved him as a man. For him to have left such an impression on so many people is truly indicative of how respected he really was.

Forgiveness

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Colossians 3:13 NIV

I learned a lot from my father during his lifetime. The older I get, the more I realize how truly wise he was about life. He taught me to work hard. He never misled me to believe that life would always come easy. It was the opposite, anything worth having or accomplishing will usually take a lot of hard word and effort. Giving up and quitting would lead to failure 100% of the time.

Deddy taught me patience. We all want, what we want, when we want it. Life does not happen like that. Determination and persistence are keys to reaching goals in life. He was very patient when it came to his friends, his family, Mama, Travis and I.

My father did a lot of good things in his life that he did from his heart and not to earn credit or praise. He always honored his mother and father. He was quick to recognize the best qualities of all 3 of his brothers. He would always help a friend any way he could. He loved my mother and he loved me and Travis.

But the most significant aspect of life I learned from my father was forgiveness. Honestly, I am STILL working on that. Deddy would forgive somebody over and over again. I could never understand it. But it was just simple and normal to him. His ability to forgive others was one of his best attributes. I saw him forgive people time and again in situations that most people would not have offered a second chance. I think Deddy believed that no matter what, there was good in most people and they deserved the opportunity to try to make better decisions.

When he had cancer and knew he was dying, although he was concerned, his own demise was not what concerned him the most. What he worried about was his mother and father, Mama, me and Travis, his mother-in-law and his brothers. It was unreal how much my father did for so many people. I did not realize just how much of a void he was going to leave behind when he passed away.

In wake of the tragedy in Charleston this week, I was thinking about another experience my family had that was much more positive. We were invited to a church in Burgaw, N.C. to meet with a prayer group to pray for my father. And guess what?.....it was a black church! We were greeted warmly, treated with complete respect, and made to feel totally welcome. That night, the group prayed for Deddy with everything they had. Now, let me just tell all of you something, these people didn’t just say reverent, quiet prayers. Oh no, they were absolutely “getting down” with prayers. It was really a moving experience that my family was truly grateful for. I recall one lady hugging me when we left and she said, “Don’t worry, your Deddy will be healed!” I don’t think I realized at the time that she meant, “one way or another”, but the truth is, she was right.

I don’t have any idea as to what our loved ones can see when they pass away. I know that many people have various opinions but nobody really knows. I would like to know that Deddy can see some of the good things in the world. I would like to know that he can see his family and his friends having good times together. I would like to know that he can see Colt playing Tee Ball. I would like him to know how much everyone appreciated him and loved him while he was here, and they still do. Personally, I would like him to know that although I have been through a tremendous amount since he passed away, that I’ve never given up. One of the things I miss the most about Deddy is that, he was always proud of me whether I succeeded or failed, as long as he thought I did the best I could. Some of his most encouraging talks came after some of my biggest disappointments. Just another reason, to miss him a little bit more, on Father’s Day.

Merry Christmas!!!!!

When a child is born, it is one of the greatest moments in life for everyone. Parents are full of joy, little brothers and sisters are happy, grandparents are often insanely happy, and even family pets are glad to see a little baby come home. Friends often can’t wait to congratulate the family and to see the newest member. It’s just a wonderful time in life.

I think the story of the birth of Jesus is honestly one of the most beautiful stories that exist. How many people really knew the significance of that night so long ago!? But to think of our Lord and Savior being born in a stable and placed in a manger is hard to believe. A glorious star appeared in the sky to signify his birth. The fact that three wisemen showed up to honor the Messiah indicates how important his birth was to this world.

I know God was proud of Jesus immediately. God loves humanity and he knew that Jesus was born on Earth to save the people of the world. I wonder if God was anguished knowing how Jesus life would end. My mother has often said there is NO WAY she could have watched Travis or myself go through the torture, mocking, beating, and execution that Jesus endured. Now my thought is, she could not have watched TRAVIS go through it, but she would have considered that fate for me if necessary. I know I could not watch the children in my life suffer a horrible death to save the very people that are condemning them for no reason. God destroyed the world with a flood, he destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, and he took harsh vengeance on this world in many situations, but allowed his only son to suffer an execution. The reason? ”God so love the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.”…John 3-16. We have been saved by the grace of God and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. What a glorious night it was over 2000 years ago.

Tonight and tomorrow will be filled with family, friends, and children making memories that will last a lifetime. I’ve always loved Christmas because it gives the whole world time to pause, take a breath, and reflect on the good things that life has to offer. As you gather around your homes with family and friends this Christmas, remember to honor the birth of Jesus.

I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas! May your families find peace and be blessed with all of the joys that Christmas has to offer!

15 Years and Counting

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be- Douglas Pagels.

As we all move through life, the only way to avoid having “highs and lows” is to simply not live. As I browse through Facebook and watch peoples lives, I find a lot to enjoy. It’s great watching kids grow up, go through school, play ball, sing, etc. We see people reach milestones, achievements, awards, and even retirements. We see places people go and experiences they have. I think we all enjoy seeing good things happen to people during their lives.

But with the good comes the bad. We see people going through challenges of all kinds. Sickness, surgeries, loss of loved ones, loss of jobs, etc. Its during those times that people need each other the most. When I see people going through life challenges, its really great to see everyone show support and encouragement to help people through. Going through a difficult time is hard enough, but doing it feeling alone is even worse.

Friendship has always been an essential aspect of life to me. As I get older, it becomes even more important. We will all go through challenges and difficulties throughout our lives. The Lord does not guarantee us an easy life filled with everything we want. Everyone realizes that there are a lot of difficulties going on among friends and families. The fact remains, no matter where you are in life, if you don’t have friends and people around you for support, it certainly makes challenges even harder.

Deddy always appreciated his friends as much as anyone I know. He enjoyed spending time with them, giving them a hard time about funny things and listening to what was going on in their lives. Most of my family has always been the same way. I was talking to Uncle Boyd yesterday and he said his party is one of the things he looks forward to the most all year long. But he also said, at the same time, it makes him somewhat sad because he misses Deddy more. Tony Cox has told me many times that after Deddy died, he doesn’t enjoy playing golf near as much as he used to and he actually doesn’t play that much.

As the years have passed, we’ve lost several members of Uncle Boyd’s Christmas Party. But on the bright side, we’ve gained some members too. Tonight will be like always. We sit around and talk, EVERYONE will be ridiculed in some way or another. Hot topics will be discussed like the paramount rivalry between Boone Trail and Benhaven years ago, there will never be a baseball player as good as Mickey Mantle, NASCAR “ain’t what it used to be,” and David Pearson is the greatest driver of all time. Uncle Boyd will tell us that if he had “Air Jordans” when he played basketball, he would have probably hurt his knees on the backboard.

A lot has happened in the last 15 years. In some ways, it seems like a long time and in others it seems to have gone by in a flash. Its hard to believe that this will be the 15th year that Deddy has not been to “Uncle Boyd’s Christmas Party.” I think we all miss him the same as we always have. I have no idea what the Lord allows us to see from Heaven but I have often wondered. But I do know this, Deddy might not physically be there tonight, but if he does know, he is extremely happy that we are still having this party. Because at the end of life, two of the most important things in this world are your family and friends…..and that’s what tonight is all about.